Pet Shop of Calculus Stories
by caspercumbuddyxi
Summary: A bunch of shorts, a few of which are actually finished! ZOMG!
1. Dominance

Leon discreetly gazed back at D, looking the kami up and down. Even he had to admit that the shorter man was beautiful. D was wearing something that was quite a bit different from what he normally wore. Leon recalled the Count saying that he didn't want to risk getting one of his 'nice outfits' dirty. Although, if this was what D considered ragged... well, Leon had decided long ago that the Count was insane.

D was wearing a blood-red sleeveless silk shirt with a high collar that went three fourths of the way up his neck. Over this, he wore a black leather vest with a low neckline and intricate silver embroidery that laced up with a silver ribbon. He had on black leather pants under a blood red silk sarong that was open in the front and hugged his waist where it had three sash belts spaced three centimeters apart from each other, holding it in place. He wore Givenchy flats, and long, fingerless blood-red suede gloves--very feminine too. To Leon's secret delight, the Count topped it off by wearing a garnet-studded black leather collar with a silver buckle on it. D seemed to have noticed by now that Leon was checking him out, and had started to fidget with his collar a bit, although the dense detective had not realized yet that Leon's elevator eyes were the cause of his nervousness.

He smirked as he dragged D along by the hand. "D, quit fidgeting. It's just a nightclub. A little dancing and alcohol ain't gonna kill you," he said as he showed the bouncer his member card. It didn't take much to convince the man that D wouldn't cause any trouble if let inside. The kami was far too fragile-looking to appear threatening, and he seemed to be quite a bit nervous about being there in the first place.

Once inside, D was nearly overwhelmed by the lights, noise and smells that filled the club. He hated this place already.

Leon pointed out where everything was, and warned him not to let anyone buy him a drink, never to drink anything that the bartender said had a 'special recipe', not to flirt with anyone at the bar (_especially_ if the other person started flirting first) and, whatever he did, to _NEVER_ go into one of the back rooms unless he was intent on having sex. He then headed over toward the dance floor to flirt a bit with the ladies.

D cautiously looked around, and finally decided to head for the bar, where it was relatively quieter and a bit more peaceful.

"I can't believe his nerve," he muttered to himself. "He drags me all the way over here, then leaves me to go flirt with those scantily clad –"

"Hey there," a voice said behind him. D jumped slightly. He hadn't been able to sense the human among the many auras. "You look kind of out of place here, and I couldn't help but notice."

D turned around slowly. He saw a man in his mid-twenties standing there, grinning in a friendly manner. A half-smoked cigarette hung lazily from his lips, and he was clad completely in black leather, but with black snake skin boots. With buckles. Lots of buckles.

The Count frowned in disapproval. He could tell that this man had a blatant disregard for all things living even without his Second Sight; the cocky way he carried himself said it all. He didn't even need it to see the stirrings of lust in the man's eyes. So _this_ was the kind of person Leon had been warning him about. D couldn't really understand why. It's not like the kami couldn't take care of himself.

"My name's Tyson," the man introduced with a flourish. "Would you like me to buy you a drink?" he offered.

D's frown deepened as yet another red flag went up. "No thank you. I'm not thirsty." He looked around. "I think I'll go look for my, ah, bodyguard."

With that, he vanished into the crowd in a swirl of dark silk.

Tyson was furious.

D spotted Leon and hurried over to him, interrupting his conversation with a lady who was wearing as little cloth as was legal in a public place.

"Detective," he began timidly, "may we leave now?"

Leon frowned. "Why? We just got here."

D glanced around a bit before continuing to speak. "I ran into a man named Tyson, and he –"

Leon cut him off, turning to face him. "Tyson?" he asked. "Describe him to me."

D thought a moment. "Dark hair, blue eyes, tan skin, a little taller than you are and wearing a black leather jacket and pants, and black snake skin boots."

"Oh! I know him. Arrested him a few times. D, if you don't let him near you, then you've got nothing to worry about," Leon assured D. "Just stay away from the bar. Tyson's buddies with the bartender." He moved to turn back to the woman, but she'd already left. Leon shrugged and looked back at D, unable to keep a small smirk from his face. "If he sees you with another guy he might back off. Tyson doesn't like competition, especially when that competition is a cop. So, wanna dance?"

D looked worried, seemingly oblivious to the fact that Leon was trying to flirt with him. "Alright... but... wouldn't that put _you_ in danger?" he asked softly. Leon answered by pulling the kami into his arms and holding him tightly.

"D, I can handle myself," the officer said confidently, nuzzling the Count's neck. "Let's just dance."

D blushed a bit as the next song started, putting his arms hesitantly around Leon's neck and allowing the detective to lead him through the dance. The detective happily put his arms snugly around D's waist, pulling him close. D's blush deepened a bit.

Leon was in heaven. Well, not literally... but D was just so _perfect_! The kami was so thin, and fit so perfectly against his chest... and he was more beautiful than any girl Leon had ever seen.

The detective shook his head lightly to rid himself of these thoughts. He was only doing this to protect D from Tyson... but there was a chance that Tyson might not even see them.... He was doing this because he didn't want to have to handle investigating another case of rape and murder... and he wanted to protect D.... But D had proven time and time again to be capable of taking care of himself... but that didn't stop Leon from wanting to do it for him....

"Um... Detective?" Count D asked quietly, pulling Leon out of his thoughts. "You've stopped..."

Indeed, Leon had stopped dancing, and was instead just standing there, holding D tightly. He spotted Tyson out of the corner of his eye, and, slowly so as to not scare the kami, kissed D gently on the lips.

He was more than shocked when D kissed him back.

D frowned when Leon pulled back a little bit. He liked that kiss. And his Second Sight allowed him to see that Leon had liked it, too. He hesitantly pulled Leon back down to join their lips again.

A young woman took the stage and started to sing. Throughout this song, D's and Leon's kiss had deepened until they were practically grinding into each other. They had their eyes closed, naturally. Low, feral animal sounds were issuing from both men's throats, and Leon was holding D in a nearly vise-like grip. D sensed his way across the club and managed to press Leon into the door of one of the back rooms. Leon took a hand off the back of D's head to turn the knob, and the door opened easily. D untied one of his sashes and hung it on the doorknob outside before closing the door. (He did all this without breaking the kiss.)

_Narrator's note:_

_Well, I write only as a spectator. I can't tell you what went on in that room because I don't really know myself. It had an anti-teleportation shield, and one can only scuttle across the ceiling so fast before the door opens and closes…and unfortunately, it wasn't Death by the 1000__th__ Spoke, so I didn't have access to the cameras in that room. I can read minds from a distance, but those two weren't really thinking, so, um, yeah…And no, I don't have the power to replay their memories. I can tell you half the club heard Leon's, ah, sounds--and D's climactic screams almost dislodged me from my place on the ceiling, where I had dug my claws in quite firmly, thank you very much._

Meanwhile, Tyson was fuming. How dare that police officer take _his_ prize? He rounded up some of his buddies, left the club, and waited for D and Leon to exit.

Eventually, Leon and D left the nightclub, Leon with one arm gently around D's waist. D was moving a bit tenderly, as Leon had accidentally bruised him in a few places in his enthusiasm, mostly on either side of his waist. D had repaid the favor by leaving long claw marks down the detective's back that were sure to scar. Please don't ask me how that happened. Luckily, Leon was wearing a black leather jacket, so no one saw the bloodstains on his shirt.

"Detective," D started quietly as they headed across the parking lot, but was interrupted.

"D, why the fuck are you still calling me 'Detective?'" Leon demanded.

D sighed in exasperation. "_Leon,_" he stressed, "we're being followed."

"Yeah? By who?" demanded Leon aggressively.

"It's your friend…" said D, somewhat nervously. Leon wheeled about. Unfortunately, he was pretty love-drunk, which prompted him to take a not-so-logical, not-so-rational, not-so-sane course. That doesn't mean _I_ wouldn't do the same damn thing; it just means at the moment Leon was being illogical, irrational, and insane. The three I's, which have proved essential to my own survival. But, uh, not Leon's. O-_kay _then.

"Yo, Tyson! What's up, buddy! Looking for a ride?" Leon ignored D's reaction, which was to back up against a brick wall, shut his eyes, and bang his head several times. Looks like Leon and D are even going to have matching headaches in the morning! How cute, they're so close. Except, Leon will be hungover and D will just be…in pain.

"Actually, I'm looking for the asshole that _stole_ my ride. Which happens to be you."

Leon was confused. "I'm your ride? Uh, gee, buddy, I'm real flattered, but I'm really not that type of--" (Liar. He'd just screwed D's brains out, hadn't he?)

"No, idiot, you're the asshole. And stop fucking calling me Buddy."

"Okay, so which am I, an idiot, or an asshole? Buddy?"

"I'll tell you what you are! You're a broad-stealing moronical asshole motherfucker! And if you call me Buddy one more time, I'm gonna--"

"You're gonna what? Turn me into a chicken?" sneered Leon. Uh, _not_ the best move. Tyson grabbed Leon by the shoulders and slammed him into the wall, right on top of D. D didn't exactly appreciate having his sun instrument smashed, and while he was thinking about it, something else didn't seem quite right.

"Excuse me, Mr. Tyson? Did you just call me 'abroad'?"

"Yeah? You gotta problem with that?"

"What does that mean?"

"I mean, you gotta problem with being called a broad?"

"What is a 'broad'?" asked D, the same way a Neanderthal might ask the definition of "refrigerator," except more articulately.

"Gorgeous and dumb. Just the way I like my chicks."

D looked puzzled. "I am no poultry," he said.

"Uh, D, a chick is another word for a girl," choked Leon.

"_WHAT?????!!!!!!!!!!_" screamed D, in Leon's ear. "You astronomically illiterate, pathetic, imbecilic excuse for an orgasm!" shouted D, too upset to consider his words--or the way he was saying them.

Tyson frowned slightly and scratched his head. "Huh?" he asked.

"He called you a sex-driven idiot," said Leon.

"I said nothing of the sort!" shouted D. "I called him an astronomically illiterate, pathetic, imbecilic excuse for a--wait a minute. Uh, Leon? What were my words exactly?"

"Something something something excuse for an orgasm," said Leon.

"That's what I was afraid of," said D. "Mr. Tyson? I stand corrected. You are a, um, what Leon said. A sex-driven idiot. _OH LOOK A COMET!" _shouted D, pointing. Tyson, true to the title of idiot, looked around saying, "What? Where?" Leon took this opportunity to grab D and run. That is not as phallic as it sounds. I swear.

D sighed. "Leon, why must you always try to save me?" he asked.

Leon rolled his eyes. "Aw, shit, D. Can't you at least pretend to be grateful? He would have made you into shredded cabbage."

"I can hold my own, thanks," snapped D. "What am I going to do when you're not around? Insolent brats like Tyson will see me as defenseless, and if I start to depend on you for protection, I will be!"

"Aw, poor D," said Leon, smirking and not seeming contrite in the least. He put his arm around D's shoulder. "What say we take this back to the shop? We'll worry about that asshole later."

After a long night of lovemaking, both D and Leon had exhausted their...ah..._energy_. Ah. Yes. That's a good word. "Energy" it shall be, then. Ahem. _Batteries are fine but I'm energized all the time, you and M-E spells LOVE to me._

Needless to say, neither of them was really prepared for a fight, especially not with Tyson. Unfortunately, that's exactly who showed up that morning. He used an ax to chop the door down and was screaming, "Hey, dickheads! Get out here and fight like men!"

"Oh, crap," said Leon and D simultaneously. (D was just as startled as you are, dear audience. But hey, it was an extreme case. And it wasn't like he was going to start attending the Leon Orcot School of Cuss n' Fuss.)

"Yo, jackass," replied Leon to Tyson. "I'm the only one here who's allowed to break down D's door, so piss off!"

D had a different tactic. Fully dressed (he once set a record once for fastest-dressed man in a Chinatown elsewhere), he put a firm hand on Leon's arm to shut him up before addressing Tyson.

"Sir, I apologize for my cousin's conduct. He was looking to--ah--drown his sorrows at a local hub last night. I hope you do not take this as a demonstration of our store's general management."

"Don't give me that crap," snarled Tyson. "I know that asshole's not your cousin. He's the ass that stole my consolation prize."

"How very unfortunate," said D. Only because Leon had known D for as long as he had could he sense D's sarcasm. "Perhaps you would like a pet to ease your...ah...distress. I have a species of snapping turtle that is very highly in demand. If you would please follow me to the back," said D smoothly, using the hypnotic power of his golden eye to lure Tyson into the back of the shop.

Several minutes later, D and Tyson came back to the lobby of the shop. Tyson had an albino snapping turtle balanced on his head. Leon didn't even try to wonder how the hell that was possible.

"Now then, if you will please read this contract very closely and sign. Remember to take heed of all three clauses listed here: Do not show her to anyone, do not expose her to direct sunlight, do not feed her poultry or fish or imitation meat. If you break any of these clauses, we shall not be responsible for the consequences, no matter how tragic they may be. Do you understand?"

"Hey, man, I ain't stupid."

"Beg to differ," muttered Leon. D glared at him a nanosecond, then turned his attention back to Tyson.

"Very well. Please enjoy your new pet," he said, graceful as always.

Once Tyson was out the door, D slapped Leon hard across the face. "What are you, an imbecile?" he snapped. "Your porky mouth could have lost me a customer!"

"Is that all you care about? The company? Damn, D, you really had me fooled."

D sighed in exaggerated patience. "Leon, if I lost Tyson as a customer, he could be a danger to us. Now that he has Sheila to keep him occupied, I don't think we have to worry about him anymore."

"What exactly--does that snapping turtle have any 'special properties' I should know about?" asked Leon, going into paranoid-cop mode. But D was onto him.

"_Obviously_," replied D. Leon tensed. "Sheila is an albino turtle, as you may or may not have noticed. Even her shell looked like it was carved from ivory. However, there is nothing particularly dangerous about her...as long as Tyson follows the contract to the letter."

"What happens if he doesn't?"

"Well, it really depends on which clause of the contract he breaks."

Leon waited for D to elaborate. When he didn't, Leon prompted him. "What happens if he shows her to someone?"

"Tyson sees Sheila as a beautiful young woman. If he were to show her to another person, that person would see Sheila as a turtle, and confusion would ensue."

"Okay...what happens if he exposes her to direct sunlight?"

"Well, I haven't tried it myself--" began D, but Leon interrupted him. Explosively.

"Dammit, D, this is serious!"

"Alright, alright. My guess is that Sheila will burn to ashes upon contact."

Leon gave D a look that all but said _you have got to be fucking kidding me_. He then gave his thoughts voice.

"Why would I jest about something like that?" asked D, looking very serious.

"I don't know. It just sounded so...out there. Like something you'd see on a sci-fi movie. Then again, so is a lot of stuff that happens with this store." Leon looked slightly embarrassed for being so stupid. D could have kissed him for how adorable he looked at that moment. "And, since I know you wanted to ask, if Tyson feeds Sheila poultry or fish or imitation meat, she'll go after his flesh."

"I almost hope he does that," said Leon, surprising himself with how un-Good-Cop-like he sounded. Hey, anything to protect a lover, right?

END "DOMINANCE."

WE HOPE YOU ENJOYED THIS CALCULUS STORY. STAY TUNED FOR OUR NEXT STORY, SOON TO BE WRITTEN.

See why I frowned upon the buckle gloves? They just scream S&M. (I want a pair. *snif*)

"With a flourish"? That's like calling a guy "flamboyant" read: gay.

It's a nightclub, Marie. They don't have to be within the bounds of legality. (And I wouldn't exactly call that woman a "lady")

How did this happen? You see, when you write stuff like that, you're really asking for it.


	2. Dr Dungbeetle

"Therapy, huh? Well, I guess this is the place," said Leon, checking the address for the umpteenth time. "Dr…_huh_?"

"May I help you?" asked a youngish man with almond-shaped violet eyes and frizzy brown hair, stepping out of the shadows.

"I'm Leon Orcot. I'm here for therapy with Dr. Dungbeetle," replied Leon.

"Very well. Please step into my office. Would you like something to drink? Tea?"

"No thanks." Leon didn't want to get too friendly with the doctor, especially since he suspected this Dungbeetle dude was a quack.

"Something on your mind?" asked Dr. Dungbeetle.

"What the fuck kind of name is 'Dungbeetle?'" Leon demanded.

"What kind of name is 'Orcot?'" Dr. Dungbeetle asked in reply. "It makes one think of 'Would you rather sleep on a mattress, or cot?'"

"Are you making fun of me?" Leon demanded.

"Yes I am. And how does this make you _feel?_" Dr. Dungbeetle replied.

"And how is that any of your business?" Leon demanded. He was doing a lot of demanding today.

"You have come to me for therapy, Mr. Orcot. Believe me, I did not beg for your case."

"Are you _insulting_ me, Dr. Dungface?" Leon demanded.

"I believe it is _you_ who is insulting_ me,_ Mr. Mattress," countered Dr. Dungbeetle.

"What kind of a crapass therapist are you?" demanded Leon. (Ooh! look! Variety!)

"I am the crapass therapist who will decide whether you get committed, Mr. Mattress," replied Dr. Dungbeetle serenely, smirking.

"Will you stop fucking calling me 'Mr. Mattress?'" shouted Leon. (Ooh! Look! Even more variety!) "My name is 'Orcot! And stop smirking at me like that!'"

"So how is your sex life, Mr. _Orcot?_" Dr. Dungbeetle asked, placing unnecessary emphasis on Leon's last name.

"Why the fuck are you asking me _that?_" demanded Leon.

"You seem to use a certain word quite frequently that has sexual connotations, which leads me to wonder if your sex life is satisfactory," Dr. Dungbeetle said calmly.

"What the fuck?" demanded Leon.

"Yes, that's the word!" said Dr. Dungbeetle cheerfully.

"Man, you sound like a cheerleader on crack," said Leon disgustedly.

"And how does this make you _feel?_" asked Dr. Dungbeetle. When Leon opened his mouth angrily, Dr. Dungbeetle cut in quickly: "I assure you, this is for your own good."

"Fuck you!" said Leon.

"While I am most flattered," said Dr. Dungbeetle, "I am afraid my superiors would not take kindly to my having an affair with a client. But on the other hand..."

Leon stood up. "That's it. I'm outta here," he said. "Have fun with the voices in your head, Dr. Dungbreath." And then he turned to walk out.

"Oh, I assure you I will!" called Dr. Dungbeetle after him. "Especially now that you've become one of them," he muttered quietly.

"What was that?" Leon demanded, looking over his shoulder.

"Uh, nothing you should concern yourself with. Now please be on your way," said Dr. Dungbeetle, embarrassed.

LATER, in Chinatown, Leon was complaining to his favorite ear.

"What is it this time?" groaned D, serving up tea as usual.

Leon rolled his eyes. "You know how you told me to get therapy, so I wouldn't always come to _you_ with my problems?"

"Yes, how did that work out?" D asked sweetly.

"Well, let's just say that my therapist is my newest problem."

"Oh no," sighed D, raising his eyes to the heavens. "What did you say?"

Leon glared at D. "Why am I automatically the bad guy here?" he demanded.

"My dear Detective, I know you all too well," replied D.

"If you think I'm bad, then I hope you never meet my therapist."

"Is he anything like you?" asked D sweetly, earning himself a whack on the head. Don't ask which one.

"No..." said Leon suspiciously, lowering his fist. "He kept turning around everything I said and talked real old-fashioned-like. Kinda like you, now that I think of it."

"Really?" said D quietly.

Leon frowned. Something in D's voice told him that something was not quite right. "What's wrong?" asked Leon.

"Nothing you should concern yourself with."

"Hey! That's exactly what my therapist said!" yelled Leon. Something in D's face darkened.

"Take me to your therapist," ordered D, sounding like a concerned, albeit bossy girlfriend. And a little bit like ET, now that I think of it. Count D phone home.

Leon banged up the steps to the psychiatrist's office, D in tow.

"Yo! Dungbeetle!" Leon shouted, banging on the door. "I'm back and I brought my girlfriend with me!"

D looked irked, but said nothing.

Dungbeetle opened the door and invited them both to come in. Something in D's eyes flashed when he saw Dr. Dungbeetle.

"Hello, Father," he said darkly, his voice quiet and full of hatred.

"You dickbrain," added Leon under his breath.

What did you just call me?" demanded Dr. Dungbeetle. (There seems to be a lot of demanding going on today.)

"You heard me!" said D and Leon in unison.

D reached out and pulled off Dr. Dungbeetle's frizzy brown wig. "Enough with the disguises, Father," he snarled, his voice filled with deepest reviling.

"How else am I to keep an eye on you?" asked Papa D with a smile full of saccharin.

"Fuck you!" said Leon dispassionately.

"Gladly," snarled Papa D, preparing to spring, but D stopped him with a roundhouse kick to the crotch.

"Rest in pain," Leon said smugly as he and D walked away, the younger Count wiping the non-existent dust from his hands and smirking like a child with an extra Easter egg.

Leon flung his arms around D once they were out of sight, an extreme rarity. Not the out-of-sight part, the affection part. "Thanks for saving my ass," he said.

D was surprised. Leon hardly ever showed gratitude to him. "You're quite welcome," he said, returning the hug affectionately. "Shall we go back to my shop for a nightcap?"

"Ah, what the hell," said Leon, squeezing D's ass. D's eyes widened in surprise, but then he smiled and slipped his arm around the small of Leon's back. Leon's breathing became more heavy. "Let's blow this pop stand," said Leon, nuzzling the top of D's head. D purred in acquiescence.

Papa D walked in on them, having recovered from the kick in the cherries. Somebody must have given him a Mountain Dew Code Red. Leon saw the sawn-off old bastard out of the corner of his eye, flung the door open, and walked out. The door smacked Papa D right in the middle of his lop-sided face (his nose is off-center).

Once they were in the safety of D's pet shop, Leon started laughing. "We outsmarted that motherfucker, didn't we? Thanks, man," he said.

"Speak no more," murmured D, partly because disturbing images had started clouding his mind. As though to make sure that Leon really did speak no more, D leaned forward and gave Leon the sweetest kiss of his life.

Leon moaned deep in his throat. So did D.

"You're so wonderful, D" murmured Leon at the end of their kiss. D put a long white finger over Leon's lips.

"Let's take this to the back of the shop," he murmured.

Leon bit D's finger. "Alright. I have a special _surprise _I want to show you."

D surrendered himself to the fact that he would spend the night in chains as Leon reached for his handcuffs.

The next morning, Leon was rudely awakened by a bite on the butt from Tetsu. Aw, he _wiketh_ witty bitty Weon. The detective yelled out his first curse of the morning, which awoke D.

**"You have customers, Count,"** bleated Tetsu disdainfully. **"Put on your dress and get out here. Or at least put on some pants."**

"Uh, yes," said D, embarrassed. "Detective, would you kindly unchain me so that I may get dressed?"

Leon grinned lasciviously. "I kinda like you this way," he said. "Chained and naked." But he leaned over and unlocked D's handcuffs, anyway.

D got dressed slowly, allowing Leon to savor every glimpse of his nudity possible.

"Why must you torture me with your perfect body?" murmured Leon.

It was D's turn to grin. "Why, my dear Detective, to get back at you for torturing me all night long."

Leon stood up, walked over, and leaned down to kiss D gently on each cheek. "You're adorable," he said softly.

"Not as adorable as you," said D. "But enough of this; I will make love to you again after I'm done with these tawdry human customers," said D tactlessly, forgetting--or maybe just not giving a rat's squiggly ass--that Leon was human and might be offended by this.

"Welcome to Count D's pet shop," said D. "We have all manner of creatures for sale…"

"I want the most ah-dorable animal here," demanded the customer, a petite blonde in her early twenties. (I sense a lot of demanding going on today, too!)

"Ah…please follow me to the back." The _ah-nnoying_, demanding customer did as D said.

"Why does everyone here look human? Where are all your animals?!"

"Ma'am, these _are_ my animals," said D, impatient to get back to Leon. Unfortunately, in his hurry, D had forgotten that Leon was in the back of the shop.

"Ooh, I like that one," said the woman, pointing at Leon. "He's really adorable!"

D coughed. "My humblest apologies, Miss, but this one is not for sale," he said.

"What a rip-off!" snapped the woman. "What kind of pet shop is this?! You don't even have any pets! And then when I do want to buy someone, you tell me he's not for sale! I knew I shouldn't have come to Chinatown for a pet! You foreigners are always so--"

"Hey!" shouted Leon. He didn't know why, but he didn't like hearing this snobbish blonde bitch talking that way about D's shop. "You will shut the fuck up about this shop right now, or suffer the consequences!"

The woman sneered. "What _consequences_? You know what? I'm going to contact the Better Business Bureau and complain. And _you_," she sniffed, pointing at D, "just lost a customer."

Leon thought quickly. "Uh, you know what? I'm sorry, ma'am. In fact, if you really want to complain, I know this guy who's really good. Goes by the name of Dr. Dungbeetle. You might go to him with your complaint."

The woman blinked. "Fine," she sniffed huffily. "I think I will."

"Oh, and if that doesn't work," said Leon, remembering something from a few Christmases ago, "There's this woman not far from here who holds a night job as a dentist, but she'd also be really good to talk to. Oh, and if she offers you Novocain, say yes. It'll do you good," said Leon, smirking.

"Fine. Thanks, comrade," said the woman, stalking out.

"Glad _that's _taken care of," said Leon, putting an arm around D. "So…where were we?"

MEANWHILE, AT DUNGBEETLE AND MINDWARP'S THERAPY AGENCY…

"Yes, hello. I'm looking for a Dr. Dungbeetle," said the bossy blonde woman. "I'm Binky van der Billingsworth."

"Welcome. I'm Dr. Dungbeetle," said what Binky took to be a woman with long black hair and a really bad fake Afro-hat-thingy. "Would you step into my office, please?" Binky did so.

"What seems to be the problem, ma'am?"

"Well, I went to this pet shop and they didn't have any pets, so I asked to take home a human and the young lady who ran the shop denied me service."

"I see," said the doctor, making a note on a clipboard. "And how does this make you feel?"

"It makes me feel like I've been cheated out of something."

"I see. And how do you like being cheated?"

"Not at all! You know, all I wanted was a simple house pet. But they didn't have any! They did have this really ah-dorable golden-haired man there, but the woman who ran the shop wouldn't sell him to me! I think he was her boyfriend or something!"

"Tell me, Miss van der Billingsworth…how is your love life?"

"What love life? My husband of five years walked out on me just because he saw me holding hands with another man! Then the other man said he didn't want to be with me because I'm too bossy and demanding. Do I look demanding to you? Well? Do I?!" demanded the woman hysterically.

Dr. Dungbeetle cleared his throat. "Yes, and how does that make you _feel_?"

"What kind of a therapist are you?!" demanded Binky. (How is it that all of Dr. Dungbeetle's clients are so demanding?)

"Ah…E, a goat," said Dr. Dungbeetle.

"You're a goat?"

"And you are not a fish," said Dr. Dungbeetle.

"Well I should hope not! What are you on, anyway?" asked Binky.

"I…why?"

"You seem quite giddy in the head."

"Oh. Well, that explains it."

"Explains what?" demanded Binky.

"_I feel giddy, oh so giddy, I feel pretty and giddy and GAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!_"

"Well, don't go all gay on me," replied Binky, unfazed by Dr. Dungbeetle's horrible singing.

"Would you like some tea?" asked Dr. Dungbeetle.

"Yes, extra sugary, please."

"Good, you could use some sweetening," replied Dr. Dungbeetle.

After drinking the tea, Binky experienced a sudden strong toothache. "Aaaaahhhhh! What was in that tea?"

"Extra sugar," replied Dr. Dungbeetle. "You might go see a dentist now. My son tells me there's a dentist in Chinatown who will see you."

"Your son?"

"Yes. Ironically, you showed up just the moment I got off the phone with him. He was telling me to expect a new customer."

"Um, is she very good?" asked Binky.

"Well, let's put it this way: if she doesn't kill your pain, you'll be sure to enjoy it."

"P-pain? There will be…pain involved?"

"If it doesn't hurt, she's not doing it right. Unless she gives you a shot of Novocain."

Novocain. That sounded really good to the Botox-addict. "Yes. I will see her. Do you have her card so I may contact her?"

(actual size, font, and color)

BACK IN D'S SHOP…TEATIME…

A scream pierced the air. A bitchy, whiny, tortured scream. It sounded like it was coming from Drillhappy's Dentistry.

Leon and D exchanged smirks and clinked teacups.

"Damn, D, this tea is really strong," said Leon, remembering the time he and D had been stranded in Jurassiburbia via mad scientist. "You didn't use any tarnation leaves, did you?"

"Tulation," corrected D, avoiding the question. Yes, he _had_ used the prehistoric aphrodisiac leaves. Did Leon have a _problem_ with that?

Oh well. He could just deal. Because frankly, Binky van der Bitchingsworth's screams of pain were turning D on in a major way.

END "DR. DUNGBEETLE." IF YOU ENJOYED THIS, YOU'LL LOVE OUR NEXT CALCULUS STORY, SOON TO BE WRITTEN.

Gee, ya think, Miss Clavel?

The numbers spell out "TORTURE" on a phone


	3. Leon's Quarrel

Eventually, D got tired of Leon's whining. "Fine, let's go to the back of the shop," he sighed in resignation. Leon cooed happily, cuddling D even tighter--nearly cutting off the circulation in D's arm--and nuzzling his shiny black hair.

"I am going to regret this," muttered D to himself. "But hopefully you won't, Leon."

D and Leon went into the back of the shop, where they removed their clothes and, uh, took care of business. It was a major release for both of them. D was glad he had given in to Leon; the detective would forget it in the morning anyway, or so D figured.

D was wrong. Leon's first words upon awakening were, "What the fuck did you do to me last night, you crazy bastard?!"

"Why my dear Detective," said D. "I, um, I made you some tea." D tried to feign innocence and change the subject at the same time. He failed miserably, as evidenced by Leon's next words.

"You fucking raped me!" shouted Leon. "You motherfucking son of a bitch, you fucking raped me!"

D looked indignant. "I have never in my life done anything of that nature with either my mother or a dog! Furthermore, my _dear_, if memory serves, _you_ were on top! Not only that, but you were _begging_ me to let you--to let you--um…" D trailed off, but regained composure almost instantly. "So it looks like it was _you_ who raped _me_! What do you have to say for yourself, _Officer_?"

Leon had never seen D this hurt and angry before. He looked like he wanted to kill Leon. Then, without warning, D's eyes filled to the brim with tears and he started crying. The tears trailed silently down his cheeks, flowing like a waterfall. "Leon…" D now resembled a frightened child. "All I have wanted for two years was to love you. Last night, you came in here drunk. I didn't mean to take advantage of you at first, but you--"

Leon's stomach muscles clenched. "I--I begged you, didn't I?" he asked, afraid of the answer.

"And I could no longer resist," said D, nodding. "Leon…I'm truly sorry for last night. I should have known that you would--" D stopped; he was crying again. Embarrassed, he tried to shoo Leon out of the shop. But Leon wouldn't budge.

"D, I--I'm sorry," he said. "I--I forgot about that part." He walked towards D, who turned on him angrily.

"Oh, of course you forgot about _that part_," D snarled. "Do you think I'm stupid? You've been looking to arrest me since before we even met! How convenient it would be for you to fake drunkenness to get me to sleep with you, and then go running to your Chief complaining that I raped you!" D sighed, putting his head in his hands miserably. "I thought you were better than that, Officer. I truly thought that you were different from the rest of your hell-be-damned species. And I foolishly allowed myself to fall in love with you, despite the protests of my pets. I assumed that you would be able to love me back…" D struggled with a sudden sharp pang in his chest. "But you obviously can't, so just leave!" he shouted. "Get out! Get out of my pet shop and never come back! _GET OUT!!!!!_"

But Leon wouldn't budge. Under normal circumstances, he'd ask D if he were on his period or something. But these were definitely not normal circumstances. "I--I love you," he said. "I--I do. I just--how would it look if a man like me were going out with…um… Th-the other guys at the station would never let me live it down."

D had calmed down a bit. He looked sadly up at Leon through bloodshot eyes. "Then you care more about what your colleagues think of you than you do about me," he said sullenly. "You _are_ just like every other human."

It was Leon's turn to look hurt. "Hey, now," he said. "D…" Leon searched for something he could say that would make the Count feel better.

"No," said D. "You cannot console me with your empty lies. If this were a simple problem, to be mended with a mere apology, then I would be a fool to bring it up."

Leon sighed wearily. "Then you…don't want to fix this?" he asked.

"I didn't say that," said D. "I merely said not to lie to me."

"So in other words, you wouldn't believe me if I apologized, regardless of whether or not I was lying." Leon stomped out. Geez. Now who's on his period?

A WEEK LATER, WHEN THE CHIEF CAUGHT LEON MOPING AROUND ON THE JOB…

"What's your problem, Orcot? You break up with your boyfriend?" asked the Chief. Leon blinked in surprise.

"What are you talking about?" he demanded.

"Don't play stupid, Orcot," snapped the Chief. "Although with you, sometimes it's really hard to tell if you're playing or not. Did you and the Count get into a fight?"

"You…knew?" asked Leon. "You knew that we--"

"The whole station knew about you and D," said Jill. "There's been a running bet on when you two would come out, and also on when you would break up. Should I go to Jason and tell him he owes me five grand, or are you going to patch things up?"

LATER THAT DAY…

"Yes, you heard me!" shouted Leon into the receiver. "A wyvern, a baby wyvern! When can I pick it up?…9:00 tonight?…I'll be there." Leon slammed down the receiver. "Now to see if I have any fireproof clothing," he muttered to himself.

It took Leon till midnight to drive the wyvern to Chinatown. He took the box out of the car and looked for something to write on. "Oh crap," he said. "I didn't bring any paper with me. Oh well, I guess I'll just write it on this gigantic tulip leaf--oh fuck, and I forgot to bring a pen! What else can I write with? My own blood… Yes, that must be it…" Leon gasped in pain as he picked up a sharp stone and cut his arm. "Holy shit! That hurt like a rat bastard! 'To my beloved Count, much love from Leon. PS, I'm sorry. PPS, everyone already knew. PPPS, I'm even more sorry and I know I'm a pathetic wretch.' "

-change POV-

"Hey, Count, somebody left a box outside the shop, in the tulip bed!" shouted Tetsu when he woke up.

"Hmm…could this be the anki eggs I ordered last week?" asked D, moving fluidly towards the door. He stopped when he saw the bloodstained tulip leaf. "Writing…" he thought. He read the inscription, and his beautiful dissimilar eyes filled with tears of longing. "Leon, my Leon," he murmured, allowing the tears to flow in a most unkamilike manner. "How I miss you!"

_*D? Is that… I wonder what's wrong?*_ came a youthful echo.

Was that--? No, it couldn't be. D was simply missing Leon and was clinging to anything that would remind him of his darling. But then the echo came again:

_*Did he get in another fight with big bro? Are they even still friends?*_

"Hello, Chris," said D without turning around. "Don't you have a game coming up?"

Over the past six years, adorable little seven-year-old Chris Orcot had become a strapping young varsity basketball player. No, not really; that's just the story he told his friends when he had to blow them off for a game.

Because Chris Orcot was actually the head of the cheerleading squad. Why the hell not? His sweet dimples, luxurious blond hair, and excellent spelling made him perfect for the part. Besides, he looked beyond cute in a flippy pleated miniskirt.

"Hi, Count!" Chris burbled, exuberant as ever. "Sometimes I forget that you can read my thoughts. So, _did_ you and Leon--"

"Come inside for some tea," said D abruptly. "T-chan and Pon-chan will be happy to see you. I'll burn some incense so you can see them in their human forms."

"Thanks, Count! Oh yeah," said Chris, as though just remembering something. "Fungus-foot Fred was lurking outside the bakery, and he gave me these chocolate-fudge-coated moon cakes. I think he has a crush on me. Anyway, I want you to have them."

D looked taken aback. "Why…thank you, Chris. I'll go make some raspberry tea to go with these." Raspberry tea and moon cakes? Yugh. Well, to each his own, I suppose.

"Tea's ready," said D, just as Chris was sitting down.

"Wow. That was fast. How do you know when it's ready, anyway?"

_Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep!_

"You got a microwave?" Chris was somewhat disappointed. He had always thought of Count D's Pet Shop as a haven from the outside world.

"Your brother gave it to me as a birthday present."

"It's your birthday?"

"Just over a week ago," said D, sadly. That was the Night of the Leon Shag, and D preferred not to think about it. "He also gave me some Minute Maid raspberry iced tea. It's…tacky, but when a loved one gives you a gift, you don't say so. Unless the gift is from Versace."

I know what you're thinking: Huh? How does D know about Versace? And why would Leon ever give him something from there? But Chris asked a question far more pressing than either of these:

"Where's your bathroom?"

Um. That wasn't it. But, after D directed Chris to the bathroom and Chris got back, he asked the important one.

"Do you love my brother?"

For the second time in as many minutes, D looked surprised. He hesitated, but Chris could read the answer in his eyes.

"Just a minute," said Chris, taking out a hot pink Motorola RazR. How very…_flamboyant_. (And yes, that's code for gay.)

"You have a cell phone?" And it's pink?

"Sam gave it to me for Christmas. Hello, Frannabel? You're gonna have to get a substitute cheerleader. I'm… um, I'm in Chinatown with--" _With whom? My brother's boyfriend? A pet shop owner? Master of the High Teas?_ "I'm helping a friend of my big bro's deal with a recent loss. I'll call you. Bye." Then Chris dialed Leon. "Big bro? It's Chris. I'm with Count D… He's, um, well, I don't really know how he is. Do you want to talk to him?"

An anki is a floating squid-like creature that attaches itself to a skeptic, sucking all trust and hope from them. As it sucks up the trust, it grows, until it crushes its host. The only way to get rid of an anki is to make its host believe in what they first doubted. Hmm, could D have perhaps been plotting revenge on Leon for their little fight last week?


	4. Prehistoric

Leon kicked down the door. D had somehow managed to get himself kidnapped. Again. Only this time, the culprit was some sort of mad scientist. He found a beaten and battered D with his wrists tied to a metal loop on the wall above his head, in front of a machine that looked like some sort of cliché Laser Death Ray out of a science fiction horror B-movie.

"You hate humans, do you?" the scientist asked D from the controls of the machine, ignoring the police officers. He laughed insanely. "Let's see how long you survive without them!" He twisted a few dials and pushed a button, and the machine began to glow.

Without thinking, Leon put his gun back in its holster and dashed over to D, rummaging through his pockets as he went for his Swiss Army Knife to cut the ropes with. But, just as he grabbed hold of D's wrist, the machine fired a beam of red light at them, and they both passed out, vanishing seconds later.

When Leon awoke, they were in a vaguely familiar place. An animal that the detective did not recognize stepped out of some nearby bushes. It looked at him hungrily.

D began to stir. Both Leon and the animal found themselves distracted by the nature demigod and his movements. The kami's eyes fluttered open. He looked around as much as he could without sitting up.

"Hello..." he said softly to the animal. It walked over to him slowly. Leon reached for his gun, but D motioned for the detective not to.

"D, what the hell is that thing?" Leon demanded.

The animal lowered its head to lick some blood from D's cheek. The Count gave a pained chuckle and reached up to scratch lightly under its chin. It craned its neck so that it could bite through the ropes binding his wrists. Once it had accomplished that, D let his arms fall limp at his sides. He lay there for about a minute, before slowly, painfully sitting up and then getting to his feet.

"D, are you going to answer my question or not?" Leon demanded.

D placed one hand on the wolf-like being's head. "This is the bone-crushing dog. A rather crude name, but nonetheless accurate. He was common long ago in the days before humans. I do believe that we've been sent back in time. I suggest that you save your bullets for emergencies only, because we will be unable to obtain more unless they find some way to bring us back."

Leon nodded, a very serious expression on his face. The bone-crushing dog barked a few times, then walked around D and began to nudge him gently in the back with its snout.

D smiled. "I do believe that he's trying to lead us somewhere," he said softly to Leon, obediently allowing the creature to guide him along. Leon followed warily, one hand on his gun at all times, just in case.

The dog led them to a small cave opening, well hidden by ivy. Peering inside, D found that the cavern inside was quite roomy, albeit unfurnished. "Detective, I do believe that we have a shelter," he announced

That night, D was busy furnishing a spear for Leon to hunt with using a long stick, a rock that he had sharpened by chipping it against the cave wall during the day, and the tendons of a giraffe camel that the bone-crushing dog had brought them.

Within a week, they had some primitive tools that D had fashioned out of stone and wood, including a skinning and hunting knife, a considerable amount of firewood and smoked meat, twine that D had made out of long grasses, two thick furs that they used as a bed and blanket, and a small collection of thinner furs for D to sew into clothes. At first Leon had been a bit disturbed by the idea of sleeping next to another male, but finally decided to out of necessity.

D awoke one morning to find that Leon had pulled him into his arms during his sleep, and was holding him very closely. The kami smirked to himself. Already Leon's primitive instincts for protecting those in his 'pack' that he viewed as weaker than himself were becoming more pronounced. The fact that D was the closest thing that the taller man had to a female of the same species now seemed to be speeding the process along. D suspected that over the next few weeks, Leon would gradually begin to grow more possessive and start to view D more as a mate that needed protection than a companion that needed company. Not that D minded. This felt nice.

Leon began to stir. He squeezed D a little tighter and blearily opened his eyes. Surprisingly, he did not panic at the fact that D was in his arms.

"Hey there..." he mumbled softly, burying his face in the crook of D's neck. "Is it morning already?"

D nodded ever so slightly. "Yes... and it's time to get up. I'm hungry..."

Leon made a small noise of agreement. "I'll go get some food. You stay here and work on those clothes, alright?"

D sighed in resignation as Leon got up and pulled on his shirt, then left the cave. Leon hardly ever let him go outside because of his injuries (the scientist had injected D with something that hindered his accelerated healing), insisting upon doing all of the hunting and gathering himself, while D did all the 'housework.' He supposed that it was just as well. They could get more done that way. The Count crawled out of 'bed' and got dressed for the day, gingerly pulling on his shirt and tattered cheongsam.

He managed to get a pair of pants and a belt fashioned for Leon, and a robe for himself over the next few days. The weeks passed uneventfully, and eventually D's injuries healed.

Leon watched as D began to cook the meat that the detective had brought home for dinner. Heh. He was actually starting to think of this place as home...

He thought of the weeks that he had spent with D. They'd grown a lot closer. That probably had something to do with the fact that they couldn't survive without each other's skills. Well, D probably could, because he was just special that way, but it would be hard for him to have to gather all of the food and supplies he needed by himself. On the other hand, recalling the incident with the sabre-toothed tiger about a year back, D would probably not last long without Leon to protect him from his own lack of self-preservation instincts. The idea of D needing _him,_ and depending on _him_ for survival brought a smile to Leon's face for some reason.

When the meal was ready and they began to eat, Leon watched D carefully, noting a sort of weariness in his movements. After the meal was over and before he realized what he was doing, he pulled the kami into his arms and sat down on the sleeping furs with him sitting across his lap. D seemed a bit panicked at first, like a rabbit paralyzed by fright, but then began to relax, allowing Leon to hold him. He felt confined, but he also felt protected when he was in Leon's arms. It was much the same as when Leon confined him to the safety of the cave to protect him, only on a different scale. A much, much different scale.

D sighed in contentment and began to doze off. He'd allow Leon to take the role of alpha male. For now.

Leon held D close, gazing at those nigh-irresistible, slightly parted lips of his.

They were indeed nigh-irresistible. And after almost a year and a fourth, Leon's willpower had run out. Time to give in and hope that D wouldn't kill him afterward

D gave a small gasp when he found himself pinned to the sleeping furs and a warm mouth pressed firmly over his own. Leon took full advantage of this by deepening the kiss as much as he could without bruising the Count.

D squirmed a bit out of the instinctive impulse to get away from anything trying to trap him or pin him down, until Leon's firm weight settled on top of him, bringing back that feeling of being both safe and imprisoned at the same time. He did not relax, however. His instincts wouldn't let him.

Leon briefly broke the kiss for air a few times before he was done ravaging D's mouth, then slowly rolled off of the Count and held him close. D, slowly and warily, began to relax a bit, and searched his mind for an explanation of what caused this to take place.

Oh.

DUH!

Those new herbs that Leon had seen some animals eating and scavenged to season the meat… They must have been some sort of aphrodisiac! A strong one, judging by the way the detective was nuzzling his neck. D tried to wriggle out of Leon's grip, but the human only held him more tightly. D sighed and resigned himself to the fact that Leon was not going to let him go any time soon, and he might as well make the best of it. He snuggled closer to Leon, allowing himself to relax.

Big mistake.

Leon's nuzzles turned to nips and licks, and one hand moved to loosen the belt of D's robe.

"L-Leon..." D gasped. "St-st-stop..."

Leon pulled back, frowning. "Why?"

"I have reason to believe that you're under the influence of an aphrodisiac, Leon," D said calmly. "If we're going to have sex, then I want you to be in your right mind. I don't want you to hate me later for not stopping you."

"Hate you? How could I hate you? You mean the world to me, D. I love you." Leon flashed D a smile that could have been a cross between a grin and a leer. He continued to loosen D's belt with one hand while he massaged the underside of D's left leg with the other hand.

"Leon…" Despite knowing that Leon was under the influence of an aphrodisiac, D couldn't help but be moved by his proclamation of love. That, and the tingly feeling he was getting--a sensation completely foreign to D. If you don't believe me just ask him and he'll tell you. Of course, you'll have to travel back in time a bit, and we still have no idea how in the frilly heck you'll get back, but…. Anyway, despite all this, D still had misgivings. His thoughts were, _This isn't right, though. If we have sex now, it'll mean more to me than it will to him,_ thought D. _But…it just feels…so good…like paradise…_

"NOOOOOOOOOO!" shouted D, summoning what little strength he still possessed. With a violent shove, he flung Leon aside.

Leon watched D out of tear-filled eyes. He reached for the Count. "I--I need you. I treasure you more than anything in the world. D, my love--"

"Stop!" D held up a hand to silence Leon, a technique he had seen humans use and found quite effective. With an effort, D made his voice soft and tender. "Leon, if you really love me, you will help me find an antidote, and you will take the antidote. Only then will I agree to be made love to by you."

*TWO HOURS LATER*

"Mother-f--"

"Shh!" D clapped a hand over Leon's mouth to shut him up. "I tried to tell you, didn't I? You would have regretted making love to me, wouldn't you?"

"What the fuck did you do to me, you psycho?!" shouted Leon. D looked at him with wide eyes.

"Me? I didn't do anything. You ate the plants, not me!"

"You--you knew they were--you knew they would--It was your fault!" Leon was pointing at D and stamping his feet like a crazy man.

"I beg your pardon?! How could this _possibly_ have been my fault?" said D, incredulous and bewildered. Inwildered? Becredulous? Becreduwildered? Aw, screw it. Let's get back to the story. Let's see…what happens next? Meh!!! Oh, yeah…

"You didn't try to stop me! I left to get food and you didn't say a damn thing! It's because you knew this would happen! Oh yes, don't even try to deny it," said Leon as D opened his mouth indignantly. "You've wanted this since…You've wanted this for a long time, you homo pervert!"

D's eyes flashed at the detective. "I am no _pervert_. You're the one who was holding me last night!"

"Oh, don't _even_ go there, Count."

"No? Why not?" D folded his arms across his chest and raised an eyebrow.

"Because, well, I…uh…" Leon frowned slightly.

"Because you can't handle the truth. I did nothing to you. I woke up and your arm was around my waist. Now come, help me find some tea leaves."

CHAPTER TWO

Two weeks had passed, and Count D and Leon were getting used to life without other human[oid]s. Leon had almost stopped using the phrase "Fuck you," perhaps because D was usually pretty quick to take him up on the offer. D also taught Leon how to make tea…unfortunately, the only leaves that could even loosely be construed as tealeaves were those containing aphrodisiac.

These leaves were quite remarkable. They could be eaten or smoked (as Leon discovered), or made into tea (as the Count discovered). They could grow in _any_ environment, and if that weren't amazing enough, they resisted all toxins--so _technically_ they were safe to eat, drink, or smoke.

"These tulation leaves"--for that's their informal species name-- "are the descendents of obscure breeds of tulips and carnations that grew near a Spring of Amour about…let's say three thousand years ago. That love spring was its first and only source of water for a good two thousand years, and apparently the modern tulation still retains its ancestors' powers for inducing sexual desire."

"That's nice, Count, but could you try talking to me about something I actually give a shit about?" Leon was leaning against the wall of the cave, trying to roll a handful of crushed leaves into a cigarette holder.

"I should think you would care, Detective--"

"Stop calling me Detective! We're out in the middle of nowhere without a police station for miles around!"

D continued as though Leon hadn't interrupted him, but since this was Leon's first utterance in two days where he hadn't said a single curse word, D ceased calling him "Detective"--even though he still thought of him that way in his dreams.

"Leon, you've been eating and smoking these plants, and every time you do, you try to…ah, _mate with_ the first creature that crosses your path. You've ceased to tell the difference between male and female animals. So far you've tried to sodomize five male saber-toothed tigers and a Minotaur, and two female wolves."

"What else can I expect? You're the closest thing to a female I--" Leon was surprised to find himself near tears. D walked over and put his hand to Leon's cheek, gently. "I think it's time now," whispered the Count, taking a handful of leaves off the ground and stuffing them in his mouth. Leon followed suit. Their mouths locked together as Leon pulled D into the cave and they removed their clothing….

*TWELVE HOURS LATER*

"That was," gasped Leon, "the most amazing…Wow, Count, I didn't think you…"

"Thank you," said the Count, graceful as ever. "You're quite remarkable yourself, my Leon. I didn't think you had that much stamina."

"Did you just say--" Leon's stomach muscles clenched. D put his cheek to Leon's shoulder and stroked his neck gently.

"Yes, I did," he said calmly.

"Are you saying I…_belong to you_?" D couldn't tell if Leon was angry or touched.

"Yes, my love. You belong to me. And what's more"--D turned his head to give Leon a small love bite-- "I belong to you."

"You…" Leon was speechless, a first.

"Yes, I belong to you. You should be honored. I have never allowed myself to feel this way about any human."

"I--I am. I'm very flattered." Leon was serious. "I didn't think I could ever feel _this_ way about anyone who wasn't big-boobed, blonde, or female." Leon paused, remembering something. "You asked me to stay with you forever. I wasn't ready then. I ran away."

"I remember," said the Count, expressionless. (Not to be racist, but can Chinese people be ahn-noying or what? The expressionless thing drives me up the wall! Vroom, vroom, vroom!)

"I'm ready now. I'll stay by your side forever. Or at least until we get out of this fuh--" Leon stopped himself. "This jungle," he finished.

D looked starry-eyed at Leon.

"What?"

"You censored yourself!" D flung his arms around Leon.

"I--" For once, Leon Orcot was at a loss for words (*gasp!*). "I--I--I--I guess I did," said Leon. "Duh--don't ask me why, because I, uh, I…." Leon was too manly to say _Because I love you_, even though that was what he was really thinking. (Honestly, men sometimes can just be the biggest--Anyway…)

D understood. "Leon, you don't need to say anything," he said soothingly. "I'm right here, and I _know_. I don't need my Second Sight to figure it out. We are meant to be together, Leon. Come here, put your hand on my heart and I will put my hand on yours." For once the inquisitive dick didn't ask why.

I claim you as my lifemate.

I belong to you.

I offer my life for you.

I give to you my protection,

My allegiance,

My heart,

My soul, and

My body.

I take into my keeping the same that is yours.

Your life,

Happiness, and

Welfare will cherished and

Placed above my own for all time.

You are my lifemate,

Bound to me for all eternity and

Always in my care.

I will love you till the day I die.

Although the words were in a foreign language, somehow Leon was able to understand them, and the undertaking that they indicated.

"I will always love you," he whispered. He didn't care that they were stuck in the past, with no modern conveniences. Just being with D was enough. He wished they could stay like this until the end of time. A foolish dream indeed....

END "PREHISTORIC." PLEASE SEE OUR NEXT CALCULUS STORY--SOON TO BE WRITTEN.


	5. Prince Leon

D sighed in frustration as a fat bow was tied around his pale neck. He looked down at the gaudy orange-red silks he was wearing. Not anything _he_ would have chosen, but he didn't really have a choice in the matter. A slave wore what was given to him.

As he was led down a hall, he began to hear the sounds of a party going on. Ah, yes. It was the prince's birthday today, wasn't it? Of course there'd be a party going on at the palace.

D had his hands clasped in front of him like a good little slave, but refused to bow his head. He would not be that easily broken. He and the guards escorting him finally came to a large door. D listened carefully. They were almost done opening the presents. One of the guards pushed the doors open, and D was shoved inside. The kami tripped over his overly long skirt and fell to the floor, his manacles making a loud clattering sound on the marble tiles.

A shadow fell over him, and he looked up. A tall blonde man was standing there, smiling at him kindly. He crouched down and held out a hand to help him up. D gratefully took it.

"Hey," the man said softly as he pulled D to his feet, "a bit clumsy, ain't ya?"

"I assure you, sir," D answered in the most polite voice he could muster, "it is the dress. Thank you for helping me up, by the way."

-change POV-

Prince Leon frowned. This slave was not acting servile in the least. She (he? Leon decided that the slave was probably a he. This one was dressed like a sex slave, and the female ones were usually very busty, while this slave was flat-chested) did not bow his head, rather opting to look him in the eye, and did not speak in the subservient tone of voice that the prince was accustomed to hearing from slaves.

"What's your name?" Leon finally asked.

"D," the slave answered, warily noticing the crown upon the prince's head. "And you are Prince Leon, are you not?"

The prince smiled. "Yeah. That's me."

The king walked over. "So, Leon, m'boy! What do you think of your present?"

Leon looked confused and glanced over his shoulder at the pile of boxes and wrapping paper that lie in the corner. "Which one?"

The king chortled. "Why, the one standing in front of you, of course! I decided to get you a new slave since your old one got sick and died. I'm afraid that we didn't have time to break him first, because of the short notice, but you can do that yourself."

"Uh... right...." Leon stared at D. That explained why the shorter man did not act like a normal slave. He noticed the slightly frightened look in D's eyes, and had a sudden urge to comfort the kami.

The king chortled again and clapped Leon on the back. "Well, since the party's over now, why don't you go get your new slave, ah, 'settled in?'" He handed Leon a key for D's manacles.

"Sure..." Leon said slowly, then began walking, motioning for D to follow. The slave followed reluctantly, fearful of what would happen next.

When they reached Leon's sleeping quarters, the prince shut the door and turned to face D, who was currently looking around the messy room in unmistakable horror. He took a moment to take in the kami's appearance.

The orange-red silk hung about his shoulders and hips, leaving his flat stomach bare and trailing along the floor in back. An easily-untied sash held up the lower part of the outfit, and the upper part could be unwrapped with as much ease, without having to unlock the manacles.

"Take off that ridiculous outfit," he said tactlessly, reaching out and pulling the ribbon out of its bow, letting it fall to the floor. "You can't clean if you keep on tripping over your clothes," he hastily added at D's expression, heading over to a small closet, but then remembering that it was empty. His old slave's clothes had been burned after she died to prevent anyone else from catching the disease. He walked over to his own closet and dug out an old outfit from when he was a teenager. It was ragged and full of holes, but it would probably fit D. He'd have to remember to forgive his old slave for never throwing anything away. He tossed the clothes at D.

D visibly relaxed when he realized that the prince did not intend to rape him. He caught the outfit and began to change clothes, until he ran into the obstacle of trying to get the shirt on while his wrists were chained together.

Leon smiled wryly to himself and walked over, pulling the key out of his pocket. He gently took D's hand in his own and lifted it up to shoulder level to give himself better access to the keyhole.

_Click._

_Click._

_CLATTER!_

The chain and hand-locks fell to the ground noisily. Leon held D's hand for a moment longer, before letting go. "Now, once you're dressed, you can start cleaning up. The dirty clothes go down the laundry chute, the clean ones in the closet or dresser, any food scraps go in the garbage, the books go on the shelves in alphabetical order, and the maids can take care of the rest. I'm going to go get some clothes that you can wear, because you can't wear my old clothes all the time."

D nodded and pulled the shirt on, then went to work picking up the room.

CHAPTER 2

That night, D dressed in a silken nightgown the color of the ocean on a cloudy day. He wasn't sure where his master would expect him to sleep, and was a little nervous when the prince motioned for him to lie down in his bed. D supposed that he should have expected this, being technically a sex slave.

Leon smiled kindly. "Don't worry. I won't hurt you," he soothed, putting an arm around D and half-leading/half-pulling him over to the bed. "We just have to keep up appearances, or else Pops will think I'm ungrateful."

D nodded in understanding and lie down, snuggling under the covers. Leon crawled into bed next to him and held him close in an attempt to comfort him.

Later, long after Leon had fallen asleep, D was still awake, wondering what would be in store for him when morning came. But soon, sleep overtook him, and he drifted off into a fitful slumber.

Leon awoke to find D sobbing quietly to himself. The prince frowned.

"What's wrong, D?" he asked. "Did you have a nightmare?" D nodded, sniffling. Leon propped himself up on one elbow and gazed down at his slave, deciding that he didn't like it when D cried. "Tell me about it."

D nodded again numbly. "H-he just l-left.... He didn't even look back. He just... left...." Somewhere in the back of his mind, he knew that he wasn't sounding coherent, but right now he didn't particularly care.

"Who left?" Leon asked, a tiny bit of unexplainable jealousy stirring inside him.

D sniffled. "The Syrian elephants... they're all gone now...."

Leon felt the jealousy leave him instantly. Syrian elephants? "I've never heard of Syrian elephants before."

D glared. "That is because they are all dead," he said bitterly.

Leon looked at D sympathetically. "So you're one of them nature-lovin' types, huh?" he asked.

"I guess you could say that...." D whispered as Leon lie back down. The prince held D a little bit more tightly, and the kami snuggled closer to him for warmth out of instinct, slowly drifting back to sleep.

The next morning, D wore an outfit identical in every way to the one he had worn when he first met Leon, except that it was blue, and short enough that he wasn't constantly tripping over it. The prince reluctantly put the shackles on his slave's wrists, and led him downstairs to the breakfast table.

The king laughed when he saw D. "Leon," he chortled, "I'd forgotten that you like to bring your slaves with you at mealtimes."

D bowed his head, if only because he didn't want the King Tactless to see the anger in his eyes. Leon led him to the table, and motioned for him to kneel on the floor next to one of the chairs. The kami obeyed, and the prince sat down in the chair.

D was, to say the least, not used to the idea of being fed table scraps like the family dog. However, he could adapt if he had to.

He just had to convince Leon to stop trying to give him bacon and eggs.

"Why aren't you eating?" Leon asked.

"I don't eat meat. Or eggs," D answered.

Leon rolled his eyes. A young blonde boy picked a syrup-covered strawberry off of his pancakes and gave it to the kami, who ate it happily.

"Thank you, kind sir," D said softly, daintily licking syrup off of his fingernails. "May I ask your name, sir?"

The boy smiled. "I'm Chris! You're my bro's new slave, right?" D nodded. "What's your name?"

Leon grinned. "His name's D."

Chris's smile widened and he waved. "Hi, D!"

D waved back with much less enthusiasm. "Hello."

Leon gave D some free time in the morning which the slave spent playing Hide-and-Seek and other childish games with Chris. Everything seemed to be going well, until D collapsed while playing tag. Leon and Chris were at his side in an instant.

"D? Are you alright?" Chris asked, putting a hand on his shoulder. "You look pale."

"I-I'll be alright..." D panted. "I j-just need to... catch my br-breath..."

Leon gathered his slave up into his arms. "Let's get you to the doctor and see if he has anything to say about it."

CHAPTER 3

"Well, his heartbeat and breathing are slightly irregular, but other than that, I can't find anything wrong with him," the doctor said. "I can only suggest that you have your slave keep away from any kind of rigorous exercise, and that you be as gentle as you can with him. Make sure that he has a healthy diet, too."

Leon nodded. He picked D up again and carried him out to the waiting room. Chris jumped up out of his chair and the three of them left.

"Chris, why don't you go play games with one of the kids your age?" Leon suggested. "I think one of the kitchen slaves is just a few months older than you. I'm going to take D back to my room so that he can take a nap."

Indeed, D seemed to be in much need of rest. He was currently dozing off in Leon's arms.

CHAPTER 4

-change POV-

When D awoke, he found himself snuggled up into Leon. He didn't get up; he just lay there and purred, a bit like a cat, as he waited for Leon to rise. When the prince finally did wake up, D suggested they go for a walk in the park. Leon agreed, and the two of them spent the day enjoying nature. Leon taught D how to swim, and D introduced Leon to the pleasures of bird-watching. A few peasant males shot envious eye-daggers at Leon, a few whistled, and one tried to grab D's behind. D did not take kindly to this. He dispatched the first guy who tried it with a roundhouse kick. The peasant men pretty much left D alone after this.

When they returned to the palace, Leon entertained himself with a proletariat magazine called Playboy. To avoid the risk of showing his disgust, D hypnotized himself into sleep.

A touch on D's shoulder woke him.

"How dare you fall asleep while His Majesty is awake!" Leon had evidently decided to try and show D who, um, wore the pants in that relationship. Wait a minute….Ah. D saw the cause of Leon's annoyance: Chris had scribbled mustaches, devil horns, monocles, and other weird things onto the pictures of naked women, and censored their, ahem, _goods_ with cute little animal stickers.

"I was tired," said D coldly. He may hold the title of slave, but he had no intention of being treated like one. Besides, Leon could easily replace him. It was no secret that the prince was a total tool. He considered his sex slaves as something like stuffed pets, to be used and thrown away. Realizing that he was naked, he reached towards the stool at the foot of the bed to grab his gown.

Leon kicked the stool and D's gown fell to the floor. "Wouldn't you like to be out of your costume for a while?"

D remained silent, unsure whether or not Leon was trying to seduce him.

"I would." The prince answered his own question. "I might even be happy for a moment."

D didn't know what to think. "Your Majesty, may I have your permission to ask a question?" D asked this half-mockingly and half-sincerely, but mostly as a shuck.

"Yes, you may ask for anything except my seeds."

This reply left D even more confused. What good were Leon's seeds to him? Was Leon forgetting that D was a man? D was stunned into silence.

"Go ahead, slave. I have given you my permission." When D still didn't speak, Leon scowled. "You know I could send for someone to replace you at a moment's notice. I am in the mood to be entertained."

At this, D had the impulse to just up and leave. He had forgotten his question, anyhow. "Have an excellent night, Your Majesty," said D cheekily, lunging for the door. He pulled on his gown as he spoke. Understanding that he could be executed for his impudence, D's youthful stubbornness insisted his life end on his own terms.

"Halt!" called Leon from behind. "You have just offended the Prince of Wherever-the-Hell-I-Am-From!"

D stopped short, but not without an exasperated sigh and a tossing of his hair. "If you are to order my punishment," he said, standing as elegantly as though he himself were royalty, "my only wish is that you have the mercy to make it quick."

Leon sat stunned. D wondered mildly whether he had shocked the prince into paralysis, then realized he didn't really give a fig. He wanted out. Until…

Leon came off the bed to stand behind his stubborn concubine. He put his hands gently on the kami's shoulders and eased the sleeves of the gown down D's arms. D was once again at a loss. He was aroused, certainly, but he didn't want to admit it, for fear that admitting arousal would be to admit defeat.

Leon put his head on D's shoulder. "You interest me," he murmured, gently nipping the kami's ear.

This seemed to be the Imperial method of torture.

"Tell me that you feel remorse for what you have done," continued the human prince. "It is too late even if there is regret. Begging is of no use. I am in no mood to grant mercy. Not one ounce. I have no mercy to give."

D was definitely aroused now. His very veins crackled with sexual excitement. Some of his crackling energy must have physically shocked Leon, for he let go of the slave with a start.

"Did I hurt you?" asked D, passively and with little interest.

Leon leered. "Not as much as _I'll_ hurt _you_," he replied. D was puzzled until Leon indicated the display case of Imperial knives and swords. "Now…will you be a good little slave or will I have to tie you up?"

So D was going to be raped after all. Good to know.

He decided to bolt like a scared rabbit.

Unfortunately, he had forgotten that his gown was too long for him. He tripped, and Leon took advantage of the concubine's momentary weakness. He lifted D up and more or less threw him onto the bed, facedown. D continued to struggle, so Leon straddled his backside firmly while he pulled a set of dangling chains from the ceiling with a near-Herculean tug. Despite D's protests, which were reminiscent of Leon's temper tantrums at age five, Leon managed to chain D up with speed and dexterity, much as Dracula's brides must have overpowered Jonathan Harker.

Once fully chained, D realized his struggles were completely futile. His mind almost completely disoriented from the ordeals of the day, D decided that the best way to preserve what little dignity he had left was to relax and let this sadistic bastard of a prince have his way with him.

"I pity you, you know," murmured D. Might as well make as much of the situation as possible. No matter what he said, Leon would torture him, and if D was going to be tortured, he wanted to fully deserve it.

"Shut the fuck up," snarled Leon, gritting his teeth and tightening the grip on his lancet.

"My dear Prince Leon," said D with serenity, "I do believe you disgrace yourself, for you speak with the foul tongue of a commoner."

"I said _shut up_!" snarled Leon, slicing violently just above D's tailbone.

D didn't dislike the sensation. All told, he found it quite pleasurable. He knew, however, that if he begged for more, Leon would stop. So, D continued to provoke the spoiled brat.

"I really do pity you. You are your own captive. I don't find it impressive that you use intimidation to get your way. Don't you see that the more people you sentence to execution, the fewer people you can count as supporters?"

"I am not interested," growled Leon, "in supporters." He made another, deeper cut, this one just below his victim's shoulder. "I am interested in obedience." Another cut, lengthwise on the back of D's neck.

D cried out in pain but kept lecturing. He wanted Leon to bleed him dry, to exhaust the both of them, to keep him just on the threshold between life and death, even.

"You are a coward. Why don't you pick on somebody your own rank, instead of a defenseless slave?"

"A coward, am I? And what," demanded His Immature Sadisticness, making a Tic-Tac-Toe board on D's back, "would that make you?"

"I have just told you, you dolt," snapped D, trying his utmost not to climax, "I am a defenseless concubine." Something occurred to D. "If you are a Prince, the throne's _male_ heir, and I, also a male, am your concubine, what does that make you?

"Are you calling me a faggot?" asked Leon incredulously, looking up from where he had carved the letters LE on D's left buttock.

"Yes, and a sadistic, controlling faggot at that," said D, pleased that Leon had picked up on it.

"That's it," said Leon. He finished carving the second set of letters, ON, into D's right buttock, rather unceremoniously. He loosened D's chains and pulled his body into the "all fours" position before re-chaining him. The prince licked blood from his name--and then he spread D's buttocks and forced his huge member brutally between them.

D cried out in pleasure and pain. He could feel Leon inside him, forcefully ripping in and out, in and out. With his heightened senses, he felt it ever the more. He felt as well a different kind of sensation, more on his frontal end. This sensation was completely strange to him; he had never had an erection before.

And he had certainly never had any part of his body rubbed or squeezed the way Leon was doing to him now.

Leon rode D till the break of dawn, when they both collapsed, drowning in a pool of blood, sweat, and semen.

CHAPTER 5

Leon woke with a start the next morning. The memories of last night came rushing back to Leon with the force of a freight train. The two had truly bonded; there was no denying that.

Since D was still asleep, Leon used the extra time to marvel at D's delicate--one might even go so far as to say _feminine_--features. His skin looked to be of the finest marbleized ivory, and when he wasn't tripping over his clothes, his movements were so graceful as to rival those of the Empress of China. The prince slid his arm under the small of D's back. D stirred but didn't quite wake. Instead, he cuddled up to Leon. The prince responded by pressing his lips to the top of D's head.

Ah, what sublime hair the kami had! It was blacker and shinier than petroleum, and had a texture smoother and softer than even Leon's silken sheets. It was also quite fragrant for a man--one might recall carnations in the spring breeze.

_I should do something nice for my slave_, decided Leon. _He's such a tender young thing, and his insubordination and refusal to be broken is just so damn cute!_ With these thoughts, Leon gently lay D aside and hastened to the dining chambers to tell the cooks his idea.

-change POV-

D smiled in his sleep. He was dreaming of the nights he had spent with lions in Egypt: after their hunts, they would retire to caves, where D would tell them tales and sing to them. When it came time to sleep, he was permitted to share a space with the leader of the pride, who would often protect him as though D were the cat's own son. D was prized for his adroitness in deterring human hunters from the lions' dwelling. Cuddling with this human prince was a bit like cuddling with the lion king.

D sensed rather than felt a change in pressure next to him, and he knew Leon had arisen. D decided he had better get dressed and wait for Leon to get back. He put on a jade-green dress that had been hemmed specially for him. As soon as he had got the sash fastened in back, Leon came in.

-change POV-

"Time to eat, D," said Leon cheerfully. "Oh good, you're already dressed. Well, come along now, I've got a surprise for you!"

D perked up at the word 'surprise.' Then came D's surprise to Leon: D actually bowed! In obeisance!

Leon smiled and shook his head. "There's no need to bow in this room," he said. "In this room only can you and I be informal. We just need to keep up appearances in the rest of the palace and in public generally." Leon reached over and stroked D's cheek fondly. The kami flinched from surprise but didn't shy away.

-change POV-

"Well, let's eat," said Leon, embarrassed. D didn't understand why the prince was embarrassed. He hadn't done anything wrong. In fact, wasn't this sort of thing encouraged?

Anyway…they went to the dining chambers, where D got the treat of his life.

"German chocolate cake with strawberry ice cream inside and strawberries all round the top," announced the chef.

Leon grinned. "This is my surprise to you, D," he said.

"Oh, Prince Leon, thank you!" D's eyes brimmed with sentimental tears and he flung his arms around the prince's neck.

"Careful," said Leon, hugging D back. "You don't want to strangle me."

"No," said D. He broke the embrace gently, looking deeply into Leon's eyes. "Thank you," he said, smiling sincerely at the prince.

-change POV-

And Leon knew he had not only won, but truly earned, the love of the kami.

CHAPTER 6

D lay snuggled into Leon, his hand just under Leon's abs, caressing, massaging. His head was supported on Leon's upper arm, and Leon was stroking the slave's silken hair. Suddenly, Leon sat up.

"Let's do something different tonight," he said.

"What?" asked D, half-eagerly, half-apprehensively.

"You'll see," said Leon, his eyes glinting with what could have been mere mischief--but what also could have been the hint of something darker, something sadistic.

"You haven't decided yet, have you?" asked D suspiciously.

"My dearest concubine, you know me all too well."

"Surprising, as it's been only half a week," said D. "But then, humans are nothing if not predictable in a painstaking way."

Leon's eyes narrowed at the insult, but he instantly thought of a way to get back at the kami. "I know! Let's have an orgy!"

"Whom with?" asked D. "I thought I was your only sex slave."

"I--uh--Remember when we were at the park? Those guys that tried to grab your ass?"

"Which is, by the way, absolutely _not_ public property," added D.

"Yeah, um…you're not gonna like what I have to say next."

"Oh no," said D. "You're not planning to invite them over, are you? I mean, they're _peasants!_ If you want to invite a bunch of degenerates over to grope me, can't you at least invite somebody with noble blood?"

"Like Count Adhemar? He jousts, so I know he's of noble birth."

"Yes, and the word 'Count' in his title is a pretty obvious hint as well," muttered D.

"Yes, his herold announced him as Count Adhemar, Protector of his Enormous Manhood."

"Oh joy," said D sarcastically. "Just what I need. My not-public-property being invaded by an enormous manhood."

"Yeah, uh, be prepared for pain."

Ooh, if looks could kill! "You will have to chain me in my sleep to get me to go along with this," said D venomously.

"Yeah, I was wondering about that…Thanks for the idea, D!"

"Oh no. What have I got myself into now?" murmured D, hitting his head on the wall.


	6. Dear You: A New Year's Story

_AN: If this tale isn't cohesive, it's because there were a bunch of annoying people on the bus, where I was writing this, and I could barely concentrate. If the characters seem somewhat out of character, it's because I haven't read the original Pet Shop of Horrors series in several years, and though I have the Pet Shop Tokyo series at home, it shows a different dynamic of the character of Count D, and obviously his relationship in that series is with Taizuu, rather than Leon. Since I prefer the pairing of Leon/D to D/Taizuu, I'm trying to rack my memories for the dynamic of that relationship. Also, any typos are due to overly fast typing and under-editing, since I'm using WordPad rather than Microsoft Word, since MS Word is installed on my Z drive, not my C drive, and the MS Word that came with the computer is a demo they want me to pay for. Fail. I had my alters help me with this one._

_I do not personally believe that Leon Orcot is an insult to the male gender, but I'm trying to show that D, as a male, would feel competitive with Leon, another male, but that they're also starting to fall in love. I was going through many conflicting thought processes while writing this, so again, it might not make much sense._

_I have no idea whether loganberries are in season in winter. I'll bet they aren't. But hey, it's Count D. If he wants loganberry pie on New Year's Eve, he gets it. Also, LOGANBERRIES!!!_

_Clearly, this story has no real cohesion with the others I've written/helped write and is just something I decided to throw together as my first fanfic of 2010. Happy new year, everybody!_

Leon was passed out, drunk and snoring, in the famous Back Room of Count D's Pet Shop in Chinatown, Los Angeles. D wondered momentarily whether to wake him, then decided he'd rather have the detective all to himself for the day.

"It's Monday," bleated an annoyed Tetsu. "He should be at work." D smiled peacefully, a real smile much unlike the patronising one he used for human customers. He knelt gracefully and extracted Leon's wallet from his discarded jeans on the floor. When he found what he was looking for, he rose and glided to the phone. Reading from the card, he dialed the police chief's home number and let the groggy man know that Leon would not be coming to work today. He thought he heard a sigh of relief as he hung up the phone.

"Well then, that little matter has been taken care of," said the Count cheerfully. "Now it's time for tea."

As the Count busied himself making the tea, Leon stirred, then woke up. Naturally, he freaked out when he saw the time. "I've got to get to work!" he exclaimed.

"Relax, my dear Detective," responded D. "I have already notified the Chief that you will not be coming in. Would you like some tea?"

Leon groaned. "I've got a mother of a headache," he complained, taking the proffered cup of tea and drinking it all in one gulp.

"You shouldn't drink so much," advised D, his ethereal eyes soft. "I'm beginning to think you need to be drunk to enjoy... what we do together," he murmured delicately.

Leon hesitated. He didn't want to hurt the Count's feelings (What? Since when does he care?), but he didn't quite feel comfortable with the idea of what he and D did. The act itself, of course, was thoroughly enjoyable. He sighed. It wasn't like he had any luck with the ladies.

"How do you do it?" he asked. "Chicks love you. They don't give me a second glance, lately."

It was D's turn to sigh. There were so many explanations-- humans craved what was unattainable, women were fascinated by the mysterious, Leon was loud and brash and an insult to the male gender, girls were drawn to androgynous men-- that D didn't know where to start. And of course, there was the part of him that was dismayed that Leon didn't love him. He, the Count, had been the pursuer from the start, and had met with plentiful resistance. He wasn't surprised, but it did sadden him.

"Perhaps," he finally offered, "you are just looking for love in the wrong places."

Leon looked startled. "Love?" he asked, nonplussed.

"It's a figure of speech," sighed the Count, taking a large bite from his apple fritter, quite unlike his refined, ladylike eating habits.

Leon furrowed his brow in confusion. Something was definitely bothering D, but Leon couldn't figure out what it was. He shrugged and stuffed a piece of loganberry pie into his mouth.

D's gloomy mood didn't disappear even when his shop was uncommonly busy. With every "Happy New Year" that passed through a customer's lips, D grew more and more depressed, until Leon finally yelled at him to snap out of it.

"I beg your pardon?" asked D, affronted.

"You're bringing down the mood of your whole damn shop, and you're not helping my mood, either."

"My dear Detective, as difficult as this may be for you to believe, my existence does not revolve around cheering you up!" snapped D. He braced himself for Leon's inevitable retort, but instead, Leon just gaped at him. A minute passed. Neither of them saw the new customer come in.

"Leon?" asked D gently, fighting a blush. He wasn't used to using Leon's first name.

"I was just... thinking how beautiful you are, even when you're angry," mumbled Leon, averting his baby blues. He took D's hand and slowly, uncertainly, brought it to his lips. D barely had time to be surprised before a voice broke the mood.

"Umm... hi. I'm looking for Count D's Pet Shop?"

D sighed-- impatiently? Regretfully?-- then withdrew his hand and smiled charmingly at the young girl who'd interrupted them.

"I'm afraid we're closed for the rest of the day," said D, who did a very good job at playing apologetic. After she left, D turned back to Leon with a flirtatious smile playing across his thin lips.

"How would you like to see a movie?" he asked. "It's time I took you out on a real date. Is this how humans do it? Dinner and a movie?"

Leon smiled affectionately at D's old-fashioned idea. "That would be nice," he said, "but let's make it a six-pack and a rental."

D groaned inwardly. Leon, noticing the look on his face, amended, "I'll make it up to you later," with a wink, indicating his handcuffs.

And off they went to ring in the new year, each happy that he had found someone to be with when they would otherwise have been alone.


End file.
